The short story long
Originally published on Medium
Amsterdam, Netherlands
I grew up in a small country in Eastern Europe called Bulgaria, in a small city called Burgas surrounded by a lot of friends and family who loved me.
My teenage years were full of laugh at every serious situation, have fun with everything, have fun with myself particularly and laughing at my disabilities, not taking life very serious, not thinking about other people’s opinion. This put me in a position that I was the centre of the attention and liked it very much.
- Why did I have so many friends and how did I communicate? What has changed now?
Obviously, I was an extrovert, practising stoicism, laughing at myself and my struggles 99% of the time which makes other people very comfortable being with me and having fun with me as well.
In university, I had a lot of friends from totally different groups — I was able to become a friend with people that were not able to communicate with anyone at all but somehow I always found a way to trust me. I think I just appreciate these people and appreciate that they are different from society.
I have always put my friends in the first place which I guess was the reason to have so many close friends. I have put my friends before my family, before my partner, before everyone and I guess my friends were able to feel it. My mother called me “Mother Terresa” many times because there were no boundaries for me when I wanted to help a friend.
- When did I become an introvert then?
- What has changed?
Ok, I think I know the answer. I have developed this attitude toward myself and nobody was taking me too seriously. When I decided to do some serious stuff and be serious — I faced a lot of laughs — it was like having fun with myself again in people’s eyes.
But it was not.
At some point, I got very disappointed with my life and not achieving my goals so I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I decided to leave my family, my boyfriend, my close friends, my life and start from the beginning. And all this happened very quickly — in about one month — and none of my friends knew what had happened, where do I go, why do I break up with my boyfriend — and of course, they became very angry with me for keeping these secrets. I hope that they will forgive me one day and understand that I had to choose myself this time.
I moved to England three years ago, without knowing the language or anyone in the city which was the goal — this is how a beginning usually starts. So, my new me became an introvert.
Ha. My new me — I calculate calories every day, wake up at 5, go to the gym 6 days a week, read a lot and if I tell this to someone from my past — oh, they will think I’m joking again.
How did I develop this person?
I wanted to speak but nobody was listening to me. I blamed people around me for a long time. Then, I blamed myself that I was the reason for being this person. Now, my mind is calm.
I have developed a strong mind and I have control over my mind but who is responsible for that? Was it my fault or it was because of the people around me? I can say that I’m self-aware but if people around me were not so strong — would I be so strong?
The balance is somewhere in the middle — I’m aware that I’m very strong mentally because of me and because I challenge and train my ego.
This story is so long because I didn’t have enough time to make it short.